A Spotless Mind…clean slate or annulment of accumulated wisdom through experience?

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My life has always been broken into two separate lives. One being my family (mom, dad, brothers, etc..) and one being my other life. I had a legitimate career in Accounting by day while spending three, sometimes four, nights a week out kicking it on the dancefloor to old school electronic dance music. Spanking those planks was a religious experience for me…

…letting the music move my body, being a source of joy for observers, from the mind of the DJ, out the speakers, sound waves breaking through - penetrating my being.

I’m a Gen X’er that was sent out into the wild with no phone or camera as a kid, solely with the notion that I’d return before dark. I’m thankful for those days…without cameras, without inhibitions! I made it through high school right before the Internet became a thing. But in college I embraced it and have been ever since. These memories are all important to me. Hell, they are me.

I’ve been giving a tremendous amount of thought lately to what it would be like to make my mind fresh and spotless. But life’s not fiction and we’re not the main characters from that wildly popular cult classic movie…

I find that my mind is most active, creative, and imaginative in water. Interesting that I don’t love being in water like I did when I was a kid but maybe the enhanced creative state is a good trade-off? This internal debate I’ve got going on about a spotless mind has revisited every couple days for the past several weeks.

I’m not unique in that I’ve experienced quite a bit of trauma, pain, disappointment, and intense crippling grief in life. I’ve always been an eternal optimist…yet these past 5 years, I feel the ideology waning. Maybe this happens more with age? I don’t want my beautiful eternal optimism to fade though. I appreciate everything it’s brought to my life in the form of experiences, perspectives, and emotions.

For me, there are two sides of the coin that contain glamorous intrigue.

1. To erase the mind and start over fresh is a big, beautiful, blank canvas. Just thinking about it induced an audible deep sigh.

2. To take away our past means changing who we are, our essence, all we’ve learned, and really, the entire point of our Soul’s contract in life.

Is the pain and loss we’ve experienced > the loss we’d endure erasing our mind? What a taunting mindfuck of a conundrum!

What I keep coming back to is this:

If I erase my past, there’s a chance my gifts would be erased as well (or at the very least may not be rediscovered or may take a long time to rediscover).

I know that my Soul’s contract involves all of my gifts - all of the services that I offer to my clients. I’d never want to lose this to rid myself of pain. I know that I have something special to offer the world and anyone that crosses my path.

Without the bad, experiencing the good stuff wouldn’t be as good good! I want to know what elation feels like. I can’t know the feeling of that emotion without knowing the feeling of despair.

Still, this feeling of heartbreak that tags along with me every day is real. And it’s stolen much of my lust for life. How will I ever get back to ME?

I turned 50 in December. In my brain, I don’t feel 50. I feel like that 25 year old raver that could dance all night lost in the music. At the same time, I spent 13 years of my life deeply embedded in the rave culture. I was living for music, dancing with the groove, and a ton of friends (read: chosen family) that I’d eventually learn were just there for the party. All the while I hardly spent time with my blood family and when I say family, what I really mean is my mother. We were always close and in very regular contact but dammit do I ever wish I spent more time with her as adult BFFs, doing the crafts she so loved to do and having long, nurturing conversations. And here I sit again with this sinking feeling of regret.

I don’t have children, have never been pregnant and when I finally decided that I really wanted to have a child, I found myself knee deep in the thralls of perimenopause - confronted with the absolute certainty that I would never be a biological mother and financially unable to afford adoption. My life as a mom can be told as my life in Boxers. Not the underwear, the breed of canine. Stages of my life with all of my “doghters” - Roxy, Jane, Lucy, Luna, and Poppy.

Roxy - 2000 - 2005

Jane - 2004 - 2014

Lucy - 2005 - 2015

They were all there from 8 weeks old to their departure and were witness to the party phase of my life… and all of my friends that attended regular parties and gatherings at my house knew them all as pals as well.

Then there was Luna. She came to me in a beautiful divine way. I was grieving Lucy but 4 year old Luna needed a loving home - I was the perfect mom to give that to her. I still can’t adequately express the unique, special bond we had. We’d just gaze into each other’s eyes often. My Soul Pup. My North Star. My Luna Love. In our time together, we’d travel the country multiple times, go to the dog beach every weekend in San Diego, and she comforted me when my mom passed away in September of 2020. She understood my grief, she got me through a lot of intense sorrow and just when I started to gain my bearings, she asked me to let her go in February of 2023. Fuck. I still can’t write about it without the tears flowing.

Such torment.

Longing.

Aching.

Grief that cuts right through me to this day.

I’ve learned to walk with the grief. Accept it. And to know that it’s surely not the last of my human allotment of experiencing grief in this lifetime.

Luna was almost 12, we walked side by side for 7 years, 5 months, and 22 days.

She’s a very active part of my Spirit team, as is my Momma. And I’ve come to relish in that. BUT/AND there’s something about not having the tangible that taunts and haunts to this very day.

One more belly rub. One more eye gaze. One more laugh. One more smile. One more hug.

I did enlist a new pal, Poppy! I picked her up at 8 weeks old and she’s been a little fucker ever since. It took me a while to fully let her in. It wasn’t fair but thankfully she’s a bit oblivious to what’s fair and what’s not. Nevertheless, she’s wiggled her little butt right into my heart - my goofy pal that thinks literally everything is about her.

She keeps me busy and makes me laugh, yet it’s not the same. I feel like shit comparing her to Luna. I carry guilt that she’s stuck with this version of me that’s experienced so much loss that I’m lackluster, maybe even cold?

I just want to be me again.

Yes, through all of my loss I was reunited with my psychic and mediumistic gifts. Yes, I’m impacting others by holding their hands through grief.

Is it worth it? A huge part of me wants a clean slate. That hunger of my 25 year old self. If going along with the premise of the movie, though, destiny would have me doing the same shit, with likely the same result.

Insanity indeed.

Maybe the question isn’t really about a fictional storyline. Maybe it simply comes back to aging.

My brother, Jason, committed suicide in April of 2000. I most certainly miss him, but I did have some calming closure due to our last interaction with each other. We embraced a tight, long embrace, not typically huggers. He said “you know I love you, right?” I laughed and said “you know I love you too, right?” He was 31. I was 25. It was my first big loss. And I’ve been losing ever since.

Life is death. Death is life. What does a clean spotless mind even matter when there’s always going to be more death? And more rebirth. It can’t be avoided because it’s what the Soul’s journey IS.

Clean slate vs. learned wisdom, I don’t know…maybe my burning question is more of a “how do I carry my past - and the grief - with me in more productive ways? Perhaps acknowledge my past lived experiences as accoutrements meant to elevate my Soul’s contract.

Complete integration = the me I was + the journey + the me I am now

Complete integration = embracing the light and the dark, without either consuming me

I can’t erase what’s been lost, but I can learn how to keep dancing with it. And I most certainly can learn to hold hands with it. 🌻

Interested in learning how to hold hands with your grief through connection to Spirit and your own Soul?

Want to develop and/or deepen your intuition and connection with Spirit?

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